Thank you for continuing to journey with us.  Tonight we offer a prayer for all of you who follow Catie’s Story and Catie’s Wish.  We have had a busy few days as I am sure most of you have had as well.  Snow has impacted many of us and offers the first lesson to me tonight about perspective.  Children love snow, and love snow days off from school even more.  Parents have a different take.  Stocking up on milk, eggs, and bread and dealing with everyone else doing the same.  Clearing the snow once it falls and then clearing it again after the plow closes off your driveway.  Juggling work schedules to take care of the kids that are having a snow day.  Same snow, different perspectives, different reactions.  Whenever I start to feel the weight of life, focusing on my own perception and my reactions to life usually allows me to sort out the really important and put my focus where it belongs. 

Things are starting to really ramp up as we inch closer to April 23^rd and what would have been Catie’s 9^th birthday.  In a very small way, Catie has been letting all of us know that she is still with us as we go through our everyday lives.  In the midst of all of the winter weather, sunsets have been spectacular lately.  I do not remember sunsets being a wintertime phenomenon, but I have certainly experienced a number of beautiful ones so far this year.  I am sure that they have always been there, but again, perspective changes what we see.  The other interesting manifestation of Catie’s presence has been ladybugs.  Again, in the middle of winter, I am not used to seeing ladybugs, but they make a daily appearance and Molly and M.E. in all of their innocence chase them around and yell to everyone in the house that Catie is here.  And yet despite her constant spiritual and potentially insect presence, Catie is not physically here and that still causes pain.  We read about and talk to parents whose children are still in treatment or are currently cancer-free and we vicariously walk those journeys and wonder what life would be like right now if Catie’s treatment had beaten the tumor.  If Catie were still with us, she would most likely have partial blindness and partial hearing loss necessitating hearing aids.  The nerve damage to her spinal column might still have her walking with a walker.  The intense radiation to her brain would almost certainly be making school and learning challenging and frustrating.  The growth of her body and her hair may have been stunted leaving her permanently bald and 4 foot tall.  The list goes on.  There are days when we are sure that if given the choice of a Catie here with us, as diminished in her Catieness as she might be would be worth it, just to have her here.  Other days, as we ponder the thought of a lifetime of obstacles, roadblocks, and the prospect of the next check-up and hearing the words that the cancer is back, we believe that Catie’s absence has spared us and her so much.  Again, perspective.  Solace and peace comes from the sure knowledge that we in our humanity cannot possibly make such choices, only God in His infinite wisdom can.  Our part is to accept and go on, believing in God and His promises and knowing that everyday holds the possibility of a miracle.  We need to do our part and pray!!

Today, both Christine and I had the opportunity to talk about Catie and her Wish to a new and ever increasing audience.  I was on the radio with a station in Pittsburgh, and Christine was at the Dillsburg Elementary School where they were having a Dress-Up Day to honor Catie and support Catie’s Wish.  By all accounts, the day was a tremendous success as more people now know about Catie, know about St. Jude, know about the kids who battle pediatric cancer every day.  At the end of the day, more people will have done what Catie always wanted them to do.  Go home, hug your spouse and kids, thank God that they are healthy, pray for the ones who aren’t, and if you are able, support the cause to eradicate pediatric cancer so that the next kid never has to follow Catie’s journey.  In the midst of the joy, Christine melted into my arms and we both cried because at that moment, we would have traded it all for one more day with Catie.

The new website is very close to launch, and it is nothing short of spectacular.  We can’t wait for you to see it and share it because you all helped to create it.  The weight of fulfilling Catie’s legacy and honoring her by starting the Catie’s Wish Foundation is at times too burdensome to carry.  It has caused Christine and me to strain our relationship.  It caused Maggie to wonder how something as positive as Catie’s Wish could cause such grief.  It has even brought us to the point where we wanted to walk away and give-up.  Somewhere out there, your prayers give us the patience to persevere.  Your blessings allow us to see God’s blessings in the midst of the challenges.  You, like Catie, allow us to see the ladybugs and sunsets in our lives.  Thank you for your prayers, please keep them coming.  Please keep letting us know about your difficulties and let Catie know about them as well.  She sits in God’s lap and whispers in His ear the hopes, prayers and desires of those that love her.  If I cannot have her in my arms, I am so glad she is in His.

May the peace of God dwell in your hearts and homes,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E., and always Catie

PS As we are preparing the new website -which will serve as our primary vehicle for spreading Catie's Wish - we have created a prayer list in the form of a database of all the kids that we are following.  These are the children who have been named in our past post scripts since this summer.  Today there are 92.  Fourteen have gone on to join Catie in heaven.  Fifteen are children that Catie knew at St. Jude.  53 are still in active treatment.  26 children are in remission and are home.  9 have relapsed and are once again in treatment.  4 are praying for their miracle.  Please join us as we prepare for Easter through this Lenten season to pray for these children and those that love them and care for them.

 God is good, all the time

Background photo credit: "clover and little white flowers" by roens on Flickr

Our memories of our visit to Lourdes will remain a highlight of our lives.  One of the things holding a crystal clear memory was the weather.  It was glorious and sunny each day that we were there but extremely cold.  Knowing the story of Saint Bernadette and the Grotto the weather was most fitting.  As it was winter when Bernadette herself was led by Our Blessed Mother to uncover the miraculous spring contained at Lourdes.  The night after the Baths we were going to walk in Procession to Mary - as she has requested.  As we returned from the Baths we gathered the children together to speak of the experience.  They remained hope filled that Catie’s healing would still be granted miraculously and still they each in their own way continued to pray.  Catie cried and as we began to cry the rain began to fall.  That night we processed in pouring rain - as though heaven was weeping for the pain along with us.

Yesterday as we prepared to celebrate the first anniversary of Catie’ eternal life the rain began.  We attended Mass for Catie and the rain poured and Mechanicsburg temporarily flooded.  Thus reminding us all of Lourdes and of heaven weeping for us and pouring cleansing waters upon us to renew us.  The day ended with bright and beautiful sunshine and another glorious sunset.  As though Catie herself was joining heaven and telling us the time for tears was over for now and to find strength in one another.

This morning my body was numb.  The sadness that was experienced yesterday was weighing on me physically.  Any excuse would work to keep me from Mass.  M.E. woke up after having slept through the night for the first time in five nights.  Her first words were “are we late for church?” and off we went.  Still feeling numb and yet knowing how much comfort prayer has brought me throughout this entire journey my prayers began.  Never having left a Mass disappointed or unfed by Our Lord; today was no exception.  The Gospel was Luke 10:1-9

After this the Lord appointed seventy[-two] others whom he sent ahead of him in pairs to every town and place he intended to visit.  He said to them, “The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few; so ask the master of the harvest to send out laborers for his harvest.  Go on your way; behold, I am sending you like lambs among wolves.  Carry no money bag, no sack, no sandals; and greet no one along the way.  Into whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace to this household.’ If a peaceful person lives there, your peace will rest on him; but if not, it will return to you.  Stay in the same house and eat and drink what is offered to you, for the laborer deserves his payment.  Do not move about from one house to another.  Whatever town you enter and they welcome you, eat what is set before you, cure the sick in it and say to them, ‘The kingdom of God is at hand for you.’  Whatever town you enter and they do not receive you, go out into the streets and say, ‘The dust of your town that clings to our feet, even that we shake off against you.” Yet know this: the kingdom of God is at hand.  I tell you, it will be more tolerable for Sodom on that day then for that town.

It was a sign that we are headed in the right direction; that we are doing all that we should be doing to honor Catie’s memory, love and serve the Lord and be there for one another both as a family and as members of the community.  Realizing that many of us search for meaning and signs that we are going in the right direction – just think about traveling to a new place whether you use a map or GPS, there are moments when you search for a clue or sign along the way that you are headed in the right direction – when do you really know?  When you arrive at your destination on time is when you really know.  What happens if the only place you really are interested in going is heaven? 

You search for signs in the prayer and in the readings and for me often the question arises “Am I doing what God wants me to do with my life?” for if I am that is a good sign.  Each day treating others with compassion, honesty, kindness and understanding is loving and serving the Lord.  God asks all of us to follow Him.  Then Jesus breaks it all down into two great Commandments: love your God with all of your heart, mind and soul and your neighbor as yourself.  Each day one simple way to say thank you Lord for the gift of this day is by doing your best to know and love your neighbor.

Since Catie’s illness pediatric cancer awareness has become our neighbor along with all the children who come to us each morning telling us their stories on CaringBridge and asking for our prayers.  These children and their struggles with pediatric cancer have been brought into our lives like the Haitian earthquake has been brought into yours.  There are many in need.  There will be many more in need tomorrow if we don’t do all we can today to help them – through prayer and through efforts to raise this year’s $1.4 million we can make a difference.  We still have a ways to go in the next three months. Please continue to pray for us.

We humbly thank you for joining us and ask that you continue journeying with us all the way to a cure.

God is good all the time,

Kevin, Christine, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E. and always Catie

PS Please pray for all those who have asked for our prayers.  The complete list is now being compiled for the new website.

There were so many days immediately after Catie’s death that joining her in death seemed like a good idea but not for the right reasons.  God has a plan for each of our lives and only He decides when it is time.  Until He decides our time is up, it is up to us to live our lives to the fullest and for Him.  We each hold our own personal memories of Catie; something we did with just her.  Many nights either Mia or Maggie shared a room with Catie.  What did they talk about before they went to sleep; they each hold those memories in their hearts.  Catie and Max often played together outside riding their bikes or jumping with their scooters.  Each child had one week of their own with Catie down at St. Jude and those are special memories and there are special photos for each of them.  We remember the little moments with Catie – her birth and the seven birthdays that we were blessed to celebrate, listening to her voice as she sang wherever she was, witnessing Catie learn and teach her younger sisters what she had learned and  being privileged to hear her prayers for those she loved. 

With all of these wonderful memories of Catie we miss her and long to be with her but that is only part of Catie’s story.  The other part of Catie’s story was the pain and the waiting in the hospital, watching Catie finally sleep again after days and nights of pain, seeing her strength, listening to the change in her prayers as she asked God to heal her and bring her home (we never asked but always assumed that she meant to our home, but will never know) and knowing how much she protected us from because she loved us.  In death Catie was healed of all of this.  Catie can now walk; Catie can now see; what a vision Heaven must be!  Catie can sing with all the angels – they better know the words.  Almost one year later we know that Catie is with us all still.  We have felt her presence.  We have heard how so many of your prayers to her have been answered – thank you for sharing them with us and taking them to her.  Has it been easy? No. Is it over? It isn’t meant to end because Catie has reached Heaven and she lives on with God forever in eternity.   So where are we?

As a couple we are reunited.  We have been renewed and strengthened.  Ask either of us and we both would say that we are more in love and love the other more now than we ever thought possible.  We both have tremendous respect for what the other was able to do to hold their part of our family together during the six months apart.  We have grown spiritually closer to God as a couple and thank Him for the blessing and gift of the other and our marriage.  That is not to say that we do not fight or continue to grieve – we do.  We are not perfect yet.

As a family was are all back under one roof.  We have been tested and we all realize that this model works best for us – all of us and each of us.  We spend more time doing things all together.  We spend more time hugging and holding each other.  We spend more time telling each other that we love each other.  We also spend more time praying for one another.  We still are not perfect.  The kids still do the crazy things that kids do that drive us crazy as parents.  We do our best to love them, guide them, forgive them and move on and each day still has its challenges.  Here we are not perfect either but we as a family remain prayerful.

The Fab 5 are well.  They all did well in school and that is always a comfort to parents.  They each have struggled and communicated what they have felt and continue to do so openly.  In the past few days both of the younger girls have been playing on their own and with their dolls.  They discuss cancer, tumors, wheelchairs, death and what happens after death.  They each have concluded that while God is there and has a plan – something we are certain they have heard us say – “He keeps it a secret so it must be a REALLY GOOD plan.” The awesome faith of a child!!!

We will be attending Mass at St. Columbkill in Boyertown, PA on Sunday, January24th at 10:30am and then we as a family will drive to Calvary Cemetery and visit Catie’s grave.  The kids want to bring something purple.  So we will be bringing purple flower petals and Holy Water.  On Monday we will be attending Mass for Catie at 9am at St. Joseph’s in Mechanicsburg, PA.  There is no book on how to handle this day, no guide, no right or wrong and yet it is a day when in many ways our lives changed forever and our faith and belief in God was tested.  What we are celebrating is that this beautiful child was given to us – not just our family – but all of us and after seven short years we witnessed her death.  We still long to hold her; to have a physical connection with her and yet it is only through our faith in Christ’s Resurrection that Catie exists outside of our memories.

Today at Mass, Father Brommer spoke about the Ark of the Covenant – what it contained, why it was important and where it was located.  Never knowing what it contained it was an interesting homily.  The ARK contained the original Ten Commandments (2 stone tablets), Aaron’s staff and manna.  Until Christ came it held the only tangible gifts from the hand of God to His people.  Now through the life, death and resurrection of Christ we no longer need to hold on to the Ark; as Christ gives us His body and blood every day at every Mass that is celebrated.  If we hold in our beliefs that Christ conquered death in His Resurrection then through our baptism and life in Christ we too do not die but live on in eternity with God. 

What then shall we say?  Shall we persist in sin that grace may abound? Of course not!  How can we who died to sin yet live in it?  Or are you unaware that we who were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death?  We were indeed buried with him through baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might live in newness of life.

For if we have grown into union with him through a death like his, we shall also be united with him in the resurrection.  We know that our old self was crucified with him, so that our sinful body might be done away with, that we might no longer be in slavery to sin.  For a dead person has been absolved from sin.  If, then, we have died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him.   We know that Christ, raised from the dead, dies no more; death no longer has power over him.  As to his death, he died to sin once and for all; as to his life, he lives for God.  Consequently, you too must think yourselves as [being] dead to sin and living for God in Christ Jesus.

(Roman 6: 1-11)

How can you join us?  Join us for either of the Masses or join us in prayer from wherever you are.  Pray for all those who do not have the support that you provide us with each day.  Pray for the children that Catie’s wished to take care of; those fighting for their lives at St. Jude and other Children Hospitals around the world.  Pray for the families who have lost a child and are still actively grieving that they may find comfort.  Pray for the doctors, nurses, staff and researchers who sacrifice so much of their lives to care for critically ill children.  Pray for yourself and your family that you remain faithful to God and His divine will for your lives.

God is good all the time,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E., and always Catie

PS -  Please continue to pray for all of our dear friends from St. Jude - the doctors, nurses and staff that support the patients and families.  Please pray for all who have asked for our prayers and please add to your prayers Baby Amelia, Baby Coco, Connor, Parker, and Oliver, all who are new to our prayer list and in need of our prayers. 

The link to the website is http://duszakfamilylights.com/tour_of_lights.html and the directions are on the site.

Here are the addresses for the 4 shows:

Duszak Family Light Show

205 east Clearview Drive, Camp Hill, PA

Krasley’s Country Christmas

525 Woodland Drive, Manheim, PA

Narel Family Lights

1300 King Arthur Drive, Mechanicsburg, PA

Boucher Lights

35 Dakota Drive, Hanover, PA

Thank you to each of the families who set up the show and the tour and a special thanks to Ron and Jolene Duszak for the impetus to start the tour. What a fitting tribute to Catie and to Ron’s mom!

God is good, all the time.

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E. and always Catie

PS – please pray for the kids still battling and for Mia and her classmates as they receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time Saturday morning.

Some really good news, thanks to your prayers, Jack and Mikey received test results from their scans showing great improvements !

Looking Back

Less than one month after Catie’s death we received a note from a follower of Catie’s story.  This note was not added to the public guestbook but rather sent privately to us.  It simply read,  “spend time with your family and stop wasting your time (it may have said spending your time – but that is not how it felt when we read it) writing updates”.  It was a note amidst the thousands – it seemed negative and like a slap to move on – and yet it stood out then and does now.  Writing to all of you – just writing in general has allowed us to clarify what is happening; to see not only the real measurable events of each day but also our thoughts and impressions.  You the reader share our journey.  It is our hope that this sharing will lead you all to pray – for us, for yourselves and for those we ask you to pray for in the P.S.

Each morning when the computer is turned on the updates are waiting – when you are following the stories of pediatric cancer you always have mail.  Some of these stories tell of the child’s appointments, schedule, status and progress towards CANCER FREE or END OF TREATMENT.  How Catie loved the St. Jude song “You don’t need chemo any more”!  Even though Catie knew she was dying she still asked her nurses to sing it to her the last day at St. Jude – how she beamed!   Other stories share the struggle, the pain and worry and still others share the faith and belief that God holds the answer and the cure.  Throughout the past eighteen months we have shared all of the same with you – always trying to end on a positive note and asking and trusting in your prayers.  Today is no different.

It is almost unbelievable that later this month – or in three weeks time – we will be celebrating one year since Catie’s – here is the first stumble… is death the right word? Yes, Catie did die.  Or was it Catie’s birth to eternal life?  Yes, that is what we believe; that Catie now lives eternally with God in heaven.  Left us – could be used?  She is not here and yet she is and we will always seek to feel her presence and sense an awareness of her being with us.  Considering the importance of not only the word choice but also the day itself, we will be celebrating the one year anniversary of Catie’s life and death.  In the world of Catholic Saint’s, Feast days are often celebrated on the day that the saint died.  As it was one of Catie’s desires to be the Patroness of Pediatric Illnesses, we honor that desire through a celebration.  What will we do?  We will set this date – January 25^th apart and like Christmas and other Holy Days we will spend it with an awareness of why it is special.  We will have Mass said for Catie and we will attend.  Preparing for this day is odd – there is no right or wrong and there is very little in the way of tradition.  It has been our feeling that being true to Catie may be the best way to celebrate the day.  It can be as simple as being there for one another.

How did we get here?  How did we move through 2009?  There are no memories of New Year’s Eve 2008 or of New Year’s Day 2009.  Remembering is one thing; being reminded is often something different.  Going back to the Catie’s Story website and reading last New Year’s Eve - may not have been the best way to remember.  It was day 37.  How is it that you are given a number of days less than 100 to be with your child?  To prepare them for heaven?  To prepare yourself?  To prepare your other children?  How is it that no matter how many times we are told to slow down and treasure the moments in life we add more to each day?  Why is it that the most significant moments in life will occur without us realizing it until it is over?  Even with the perspective that Catie’s life and death offered us we are still guilty of this – though less so than before.

This past year we said good-bye to Konley, Catie, Hunter, Hannah, MaryKate, Liam, Mary, Alex, Clay, Reagan, Elizabeth Grace, Christian, Sydney, Breanna, and Dax and there were others.  Which each child we prayed for a miracle – we asked for Catie’s intercession and we still said good-bye.  We were disappointed each time.  Still we continued to pray.  Each day someone relapsed – today we are praying for Jack, Gavin and others.  Each day someone was added to the list of children on hospice – today we are praying for Dylan, James and Mattie and there are others.  Each day someone was added to the list of children who have cancer, today we are praying for Campbell, Kaiden and there are others .  This was and is overwhelming.  Why did and do we continue to follow these stories?  Many of the children Catie didn’t even know, we have not met them or their families and many of them are not treated at St. Jude.  Why?  In the midst of all the suffering and the entire struggle is the beauty and the resilience of the human spirit and power of prayer.

There are families for whom life has returned to normal or “normal after treatment”.  Families that are back home and living and enjoying life – Abby, Amber, Brayden, Ellie, Hunter, Jonah, Jill, Marit, Molly, Neve, Sean, and Trevor and there are others.  We need to offer prayers of Thankgiving for these victories!!  There are families who celebrated this Christmas with each other – cancer free like Mom-Mom who the doctors can’t explain the cure.  Thank you God.  There are stories that we are blessed to share and gifts that Catie’s Story gives to others and will continue to give as long as we have the strength to share it.  Someone once asked if we wanted to shelter the children from anymore of the pain and suffering?  Our answer was simple; if we hid the children from the pain and suffering then the stories of triumph and glory are taken away too.  We are a Christian people – we live in joyful hope for the future.  Christ told us He was coming back.  This world is ours.  We can spend time amassing that which we will never use or enjoy or we can spend time making a difference in the lives of others.  Through all that we experienced through our journey with Catie and now through her legacy, making a difference or at least trying to make a difference is our choice.  There is much to be done. Your prayers saw us through the eight months of Catie’s disease and your prayers have seen us through the past year.  Please continue to join us in prayer for our healing and for the many families who are still battling this disease.  There is a cure out there – through prayer and research it will be found.   Prayer reminds all of us that although there is much to be done we are not alone.  God is with us.

Thank you for all of your prayers.  Kevin had ten days off over the Christmas holiday and we spent them together at home – for the most part.  They were wonderful days filled with love and laughter and the joy that comes from being together.  We are so very grateful for each other and thankful to be together.  We all still miss Catie each and every day and desire that she be with us.  That is not going to change but through God’s grace that desire will lead us to acceptance and peace.

May God bless you and the work of your hands,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E., and always Catie

PS Please continue to pray for all of our dear friends from St. Jude - the doctors, nurses and staff that support the patients and families.  Please pray for all who have asked for our prayers and please add to your prayers Baby Jack, Danny, Erik and Zach all who are new to our prayer list and in need of our prayers. 

     As I sat in church this morning the memories of last Christmas Eve came flooding back.  Last year at this time we were putting the finishing touches on packing 8 people including one in a wheelchair and scrambling to get to the airport so that we could make our way to South Carolina for my dad’s 80^th birthday.  I can remember Catie calling poppy and asking, “can we come and celebrate your birthday because I am not going to be here for mine?’  She was right, however what we were able to experience in the last 31 days of Catie’s life is a testament to your love, support and prayers as well as God’s amazing grace.  A year ago today began the odyssey of Catie’s 2 First Communions on the 25^th and 28^th with a wonderfully exciting 5am arrival home on the morning of the 28^th after a 7 hour drive through the fog when our flight home was cancelled.  I can remember that night in the airport as Catie looked at Christine and me and asked us to please not cancel the Communion and party and our immediate decision to do whatever Catie asked of us.  We all say “no” to our kids and most times there are compelling reasons for our negative response.  As I look back on Catie’s last month, what I remember most are the times when we said “yes” to her and how thankful I am that we did.  I also realize what a blessing it is to be Christine’s husband and to be on the same page in our parenting. 

     A dear friend met us at church this morning and the kids all hugged and squeezed him as they always do and I again thought back to last Christmas Eve when as we were walking to communion he asked if he could carry Catie.  I was pleasantly surprised when Catie said yes to him and allowed him to carry her, it was not a privilege Catie extended to anyone except Christine and myself, (and sometimes not even me).  As he approached the altar he asked the priest to bless Catie and at first, the priest refused, it is just not something he normally does.  Dom, Catie, and the Holy Spirit prevailed however and Father extended his hands and blessed her, preparing her for her journey and for her First Communion the next day.  Today, I know that Catie was in that church with our family, with Dom, and with that same priest and extended a blessing to all of us to prepare us for whatever comes our way today. 

     This afternoon, we will go to mass again and celebrate with our parish family at St. Joseph’s the birth of Jesus.  Mia and Maggie will be in the choir loft singing their hearts out and I will again be blessed to be holding the hand of the woman that I was created to love.  We will remember poppy and hope that his birthday is all that he could hope it to be, we will remember Catie and hope to be open enough to feel her presence, and we will remember that over 2000 years ago a child was born to a loving and selfless couple who simply and consistently said yes to God’s plan for their lives.  Whatever your faith, the Christmas story is both timeless and compelling.  It is a story of choices and that is why it resonates in all of us because our lives are all about choices as well.  When God blessed us with free will, He allowed us to have a hand in determining not only what our life would be like here on earth, but where and how we would spend eternity.  That same free will that we possess was shared by Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.  Mary could have said no to Gabriel and God instead of yes, Joseph could have said no as well.  And what about Jesus?  Can you imagine when God laid out the plan to Jesus; 1.leave heaven and go to earth as a single cell.  2.grow inside Mary’s womb for 9 months and then be born in a stable.  3.leave home in the middle of the night and flee to a foreign land and live in hiding.  4.return home years later and grow up as the only boy your age because all of the other boys were slaughtered.  5.become a carpenter like your father.  6.become an itinerant preacher who is so beloved by the crowds that they want to make you a king.  7.become such a threat to the establishment that you are tortured and killed  8.watch almost all of those that you shepherded abandon you.  Who could have blamed Jesus if He said “no, I think I’ll just stay here in heaven.”  Thank God that He made the choice that He did.  That is what I will be celebrating beginning this afternoon.  This Christmas, I will be concentrating to hear all of the little messages of choices where people said yes to God and His plan.  Hopefully the more I hear the more I will be able to follow their example and do the same in my life.

     That is also what Catie taught me in her last month, consistently responding affirmatively to God’s will.  My father taught me that as well and I am proud to be his son.  For 81 years, he has been an example of acceptance.  I have never known him to worry, I am sure he believes that God has cared for him for 81 years and has a good track record, no reason to start second guessing God now.  For me, trusting in God’s plan is easy at times and downright impossible at others; but again, it is a choice.  My prayer for all of us this year is that Christmas sparks a renewal of absolute trust and surrender to God’s plan for our lives.  May this Christmas season be filled with countless blessings and numberless opportunities to say yes to God and yes to one another. 

May you have a wonderful, blessed Christmas and if you are traveling, please travel safely,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E., and always Catie

     Catie and Catie's Wish has been selected as one of the 3 most inspirational stories about personal journeys with cancer.  Please click on the link below to see Catie's video and the other finalists.  This is a battle that we will continue to fight on Catie's behalf and with your support.  Thank you for continuing to journey with us.

http://www.youtube.com/user/MarioLemieuxFDN

God bless you,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E., and always Catie

We are making our way through all the prep for Christmas.  Buying and thinking of gifts is really no different.  Making lists and hurrying about - rushing and feeling the need to rush - running out of time to get everything done  - none of those are a part of this Christmas.  Instead there is a peaceful calm amidst our heartache.  Remembering Catie and missing her is where we are.

Thinking about Catie in some ways makes it feel more like Christmas.  Catie and taking care of Catie brought us so close together as a couple and as a family.  It has been said that children are the glue of a marriage.   In our case Catie and her cancer became the cement.  Anytime we attempt to move forward without Catie, without prayer, without God - we as a family or Kevin and I as a couple feel the crack.

At this same time the Fab 5 are a delight.  I have never been so thankful for them.  M.E. at three has developed her own language.  When a shirt is in my mind, “inside out”, M.E. calls it “outside in” and asks me to make her shirt “outside out”.  I relish observing and sharing her life and am so very thankful to Kevin and God that I have the privilege to stay at home.  This is a decision that we made years ago before kids – did God know then that we would only have 7 years, 9 months and 2 days with Catie?  Yes, He knew as He knows all things.  I am so thankful that I accepted Kevin’s gift and was blessed with the extra time with Catie before she went to school.  I am also and will always remain so thankful to all who supported us making it possible for us to seek treatment in Memphis at St. Jude.  I spent four months with Catie and while I can’t recall every moment I know that each of moment was a blessing. 

All children are a blessing.  Spending time with the kids and witnessing all the wonders they discover in their world is a miracle that occurs every day.  It is a gift from God and blessed are all those given that gift.  I could watch the Fab 5 and listen to them (when they are interacting with each other playfully) forever.  I pray I will be blessed with this reality.

This is a prayer I first prayed twelve years ago “Dear God, please allow me to witness this child grow up to know you and love you and serve you in others.”  Then I was pregnant with our first child.  It was not an easy pregnancy but never having been pregnant before what did I know.  When I was told just before midnight on December 16^th that I was going to have child before morning I prayed like all mothers for a healthy baby – whether the baby was a boy or a girl did not matter only that the baby was healthy and that I would live to witness the life of that child.

Maggie was healthy.  Our first child was a healthy brave blessing and that is exactly who Maggie is today.  Maggie has an understanding of God and her faith in Him that I have never experienced before in a child.  While I prayed and was concerned about Maggie due to her small size (birth weight 4.14) Maggie reached her hand out to me to grasp my finger as I looked at her in her incubator.  At the time I was unsure how my life was going to change I simply knew that it would.

After each child my life changed a little less.  Now it has changed as radically as it did after Maggie’s birth.  Being pregnant, all us pray for a healthy baby – that makes sense; that is what we all want; to love and raise a health “normal” baby, we pray this not just for ourselves but also for anyone we know who is pregnant.  Just like when we get married we take all our vows – in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad – again we all pray “between you and me God good, healthy, rich times, right?”

What happened to us when Catie became sick is what changed our lives.  We had this amazing beautiful healthy strong intelligent girl.  She was so gifted.  She could sing like a bird.  She was musically talented.  She could mimic anything you taught her – a dance, a song, a movie line – on the first or second try.  She was athletic – competing with her older brother Max when she was two years younger and she never backed down.  She was happy and loved life and people.  Put all of this together and you are just scratching the surface of who Catie was and we love her for this and countless other reasons.

I loved two things about her the most – listening to her sing in the back of the car and watching her.  I loved the way her eyes squinted when she smiled.  I loved that way she always wore her hair in braids.  I loved the way she was so confident and sure of herself and you could tell this by looking at her.  I loved her smile.  I loved her because of who she was and because of how I felt being with her and I still do and I always will.

All this love that I have for Catie still exists.  I still love her.  When she became sick what changed was me.  I became totally willing to keep on loving Catie even though she was no longer healthy.  I would have carried her for the rest of my life.  I would have read to her and bathed her and fought alongside of her forever.  Loving Catie and caring for Catie became who I was and it became who we all were once Catie came home.  Everyone helped take care of Catie and everyone loved it and Catie once again accepted it.  Catie did enjoy being in charge and teaching the kids all about her central line.  She loved telling them about how things were done and about the medicines that she was taking.  She allowed them to be a part of everything.  While she was busy accepting that she would no longer walk, run, jump or ride a bike we were growing in our willingness to take care of her and be Catie’s legs, feet, balance and strength.

I always knew that people were more than their physical bodies and told this to Catie dozens of times at St. Jude – where we saw many children without limbs, without “normal” walks, with scars and with lines coming out of and into many places in their bodies.  We are all more than our bodies.  Collectively we are all Christ.  Individually each day we are offered at least one opportunity to use our bodies to be Christ for someone else.  Each day we are offered the opportunity to allow someone else to be Christ for us.  Catie taught us this and forever changed how we view our bodies.  We watched her to accept her body failing without complaint and we understood surrender from Catie’s example. 

Catie loved us all so very much that she would have stayed here on earth to allow us to take care of her.  We learned that we had to let her go and serve others who may need us just as much as she did; isn’t that just what Christ challenged us all to do for one another?  We have learned through our grief that the tears keeping falling and the sadness remains with us unless we are reaching out and helping others.  Each day that is what we pray we will do.  Each day we are thankful for Catie, her life and her example.  We will still miss her and long to be with her again but reaching out to others bridges that gap between heaven and earth better than anything else we have found.

Happy 12^th Birthday Maggie!  We love you and are so blessed to be your parents.

May the peace of Christ be within your heart today and always,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E. and always Catie

PS  Please continue to pray for those that have asked for our prayers.  For the children who are sick and recovering:  Abby, Alex, Anne Marie, Brayden, Campbell Charles, Charlotte, Cody, Cole, Dan, Dax, Dylan, Ellie, Gavin,George, Hunter, Jack and another Jack, James, Jonah, Joseph, Kaiden, Kate and another Kate, Kathleen, Kendra, Marit, Mickey, Molly, Neve, Nicole, Richard, Sean, Sheldon, Stacey,  Theresa, Trevor, Tala, and William.  Please also pray for all the families who long to be reunited with their children and other family members.

My prayer for all of you is that Thanksgiving offered you a moment to spend in prayer, thankful for all of your blessings.  We had discussed writing an update over the weekend and yet there never seemed to be the right time to sit at the computer – until now.  This Thanksgiving was stuffed – perhaps more so than the turkey.  We could not decide how or with whom to spend the four and half days that we were blessed with until almost the very last moment.  Every plan that was made was carried out and we all enjoyed ourselves. 

On Wednesday the kids had a half day and so did Kevin.  Wednesday night began with Mass – soon after Catie’s death we began attending Mass on Wednesday night at St. Katharine Drexel.  At each Mass our intentions are for the success of the Catie’s Wish Foundation – the mission statement is to eradicate pediatric cancer through prayer and research – so we prayer together as a family for this.  Please know that we would welcome anyone or any family that would like to join us.  Afterwards we went home and worked on some things for Catie’s Wish.  No baking and no cooking.  This type of day before a holiday is atypical for us.  No preparations of any kind were done for this Thanksgiving.  We are not quite ready to prepare we are all just coping.

Thanksgiving Day began with Mass at St. Joe’s followed by a drive to NJ.  Before arriving at my mom’s for dinner we stopped by the graves of Grandma Gladys and Uncle Ron.  This year marked the 28^th anniversary of the death of Kevin’s mother.  Our visit was a solemn one and after our Hail Mary and hello to Uncle Ron, we continued over the river and through the woods.  We enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal with my parents and four of my six siblings.  Was it hard?  How did we feel?  It was like driving in fog.  You are there.  You see everyone; hear everyone and you can even speak.  You just aren’t all there and so nothing is clear and there are moments of clarity and moments of almost nothing.  You are so aware that Catie is missing – physically missing.  Each picture you see holds a memory of a past holiday with Catie and you miss her even more.  Even the little girls Molly and M.E. show signs that they are aware of Catie’s absence.  M.E. begins to make more phone calls to heaven asking Jesus “Please let Catie come down today.  OK?” Molly plays make believe and in her play there is a character that came after Catie’s death and stayed for a few months and left, this character returns for a day when one of the children we know dies and returned this weekend.  Molly simply refers to this character as the “dead kid” – at first, this was shocking and upsetting to me but it is all a part of how Molly is coping.

 I realized during this weekend how blessed we are – not the losing Catie part (but don’t rule that out Catie’s Story is not over “for nothing is impossible for God” Luke 1:37) – but to have so many offers to join others in their Thanksgiving celebrations.  My mom may not know what to say – I don’t know what to say to Kevin, how should anyone know what to say to us? – but she spoke her words of love for us through her invitation to dinner.  Her words were simple “join us we would love to see you and be with you.” We are not the only ones coping; all of our friends and relatives and those who loved Catie are all coping and most of you don’t get as much support as we do and for that reason I have begun to pray for all of you as you go through these holidays and remember last year.

I have read recently about how each member of a family navigates through the grieving process at their own pace.  From our experiences I would completely agree.  I realize that the Fab 5 will be dealing with all that they have experienced for the rest of their lives.  Kevin and I will as well, but it will be so very different – our perspective is not going to change as much as the perspectives will change for the Fab 5.  There is no way to prepare for this – there is just coping.  If you google coping; coping is the process of managing taxing circumstances, expending effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize, reduce or tolerate stress or conflict. That about sums up every life that has been touched by cancer and/or death; so what do you do?  You live your life one moment at a time.  You don’t over schedule yourself.  You give to yourself and to those you love as much carefree timelessness together as you can.  Every minute will pass whether you notice it or not, whether it is scheduled or not and only you will lose out if you missed something because you were too busy doing something that was less important.  We are not the only family that is facing a first this Thanksgiving; many are facing their first Thanksgiving – in a new home, with someone away, with someone sick, with someone unable or unwilling to travel, with a new member of the family – and like us they are coping.

As this was our first holiday at home (Easter we were in South Carolina) we thought we should visit Catie’s gravesite.  So the plan was to head out Saturday morning and go to see Catie and visit with some friends.   I had spent a lot of time catching up with my family and Kevin’s family and our friends on Thursday and Friday and Kevin had spent his time watching and playing football with the kids.  I had noticed that he was growing quiet and quieter.  I am still trying to figure out how to help Kevin deal with the loss of Catie.  When he is sad I feel I can’t reach him and therefore can’t help him. What is left to do for him?  Kevin is the love of my life and I would do anything and yet I have discovered, through this process, that what he needs or wants me to do is more difficult than bringing Catie home for good was for me.   I have also found that trying to reach him doesn’t bring about the results that I am after.  I want to DO SOMETHING and yet what Kevin needs me to do is simply BE THERE for him.  To do that means holding his hand, sitting and being with Kevin while he is sad and hurt and that is incredibly painful for me.  To give him time to just work through what he is feeling and do nothing – couldn’t I make you a sandwich? Or tell you how much Catie loved you – that should bring on the tears? Or how about we clean or straighten something?  No!  Those might work for me but they don’t work for Kevin.  Lately I can see where Kevin is and how he is feeling before I can tell where I am or how I am feeling.

Well the fact that I saw Kevin so sad on both Thursday and Friday started Saturday  with this realization that this was indeed a difficult first and then came the tears, misery and self-pity.  This is not very effective either.  Self pity is not pretty or positive thus the word pity.  Throughout all of my misery I continue thinking how are we supposed to go on without Catie?  How are we supposed to celebrate when I feel like dying?  How are we supposed to stand and smile at someone who says such hurtful things all because they feel the need to say something?  No one needs to be reminded that this was hard!!  No one needs to be told one holiday down and only Christmas and New Years to go!!  Are you crazy?  Does it get easier??  Is it just the firsts??  Stop talking about or telling me about all the firsts and how hard they are!!  Is it only going to be hard when Maggie gets married, if she is first and then it will be smooth sailing for the rest?  Catie will miss it all or will be there for it all and how much depends more on our level of faith than in the number of firsts that we have checked off a random list. 

According to all the so called experts in the field of grieving and the books that I have read about grieving and the associated stages there has never been a mention of telling off someone to their face because they are upsetting you – not that the books suggest that you should politely listen and smile but come on people.  Imagine that your child died and then imagine someone is going to say something to you….what did they say??  Nothing.  They said nothing they were just there – being there.  Maybe the only reason it gets easier after the first years is because loving, caring folks stop saying stupid things in an attempt to comfort you.  My advice is close your mouth and pray.   Is this easy?  No way.  It is so difficult to do that I can barely do this for Kevin and he is my husband.  Realizing that that is want I would have preferred over some of the comments that I dreaded hearing my sadness increased before it finally left me.  So Saturday I stayed in bed crying for hours.  Grieving and sadness is like a violent storm – it comes and goes without warning.  The tears finally stopped, we packed and took our seats in the car.  I knew that I could tell our friends we were not coming but something in me really wanted to go see Catie.

Visiting Catie’s gravesite was unlike visiting Grandma Gladys’s gravesite.  It has nothing to do with the cemetery rules.  It has everything to do with the relationship between Catie and the kids, especially the three youngest girls.  They dance and they sing.  They climb on the tombstones – yes even other people’s tombstones.  If we would let them they would play hide and seek.  They are joyous even in their voices while we pray you can hear their joy.  Kevin and I are not so joyous but we are filled with peace because of their joy.  Visiting Catie’s grave doesn’t bring her back.  It doesn’t take some of the missing away or do anything that I am not aware of consciously.  I do not visit Catie as a sense of obligation.  Visiting Catie is just a part of my coping.  She is there and she is not there.  I sometimes do not even think about my other relatives who are buried alongside of Catie.  There is my grandfather, GP and my grandmother, Mom-Mom and their son, Billy.  There is my great grandfather and my great grandmother (she died when I was one) and there is my Great Aunt Peg.  I noticed that her name read Margaret B. Flanagan.  Wondering if the B. stood for Bernadette I called my mother after we left the cemetery.  Mom could not speak because she was at the ER with my dad who was having terrible pain.  So instead of going home we headed back to NJ.

Having spent months sitting alone in a hospital waiting for tests and the results I knew what my parents were going through and I didn’t want them to be alone.  When Kevin suggested going to the hospital at first I thought he was crazy and then he said it is what we do – be there for those that we love.  We arrived at the hospital in time to get the test results – kidney stones.  Before we left the ER we had a brief visit with Beth, Kevin’s sister, who we had missed over Thanksgiving.  (Beth works in the ER at the hospital.)  We ate dinner with my parents and once dad was settled we returned home.  Thankfully the kids had Monday off and we all slept in – except Kevin.

As I awoke on Monday morning I could not tell how I was feeling.  I should have been absolutely exhausted – with three different trips to NJ in four days.   Part of me wanted to begin Advent.  Part of me wanted to skip to summer.  Part of me wanted to do whatever would make everyone else happy.  What did I do?  I prayed; when in doubt let God work it out.  By the end of Monday I knew exactly how I felt – so blessed, loved and thankful.  The kids and I spent the day preparing just one thing for Kevin to come home to one this first Monday of Advent.  We took everything off the mantle including the painting and put up what Max calls Christmas past (photos from every Christmas including Maggie at one week old and 4 pounds).   I have been waiting since 1995 to do what I did yesterday.  Before we were married I picked out two cross stitch stockings, one for Kevin and one for me.  My sister, Colleen was going to cross stitch them for me.  When Maggie was born a dear friend cross stitched a stocking for Maggie.  Then I figured that we would all need stockings that were similar and my mom willingly stitched all of them, except M.E.’s which was stitched by my dear friend and M.E.’s godmother, Franka.  Molly’s stitching was finished this summer and Kevin’s stitching was finished last year but both needed to be sewn into stockings.  Once the sewing was done and each of the kids hung their stocking I arranged the photos on the mantle.  I took last year’s photo from our Christmas card and enlarged it to 24” x 36” and hung it over the mantle.  Everything was in place and ready when Kevin arrived home.  When I look at the photos and the eight Christmases that we had with Catie I feel blessed and I am.

When Kevin arrived home he felt the same way.  We all love looking at all the stockings hanging by the chimney with care.  I know all the love and prayers prayed behind every stitch – prayers for the kids and our family.  I waited for 14 years to see all the stockings completed for my family – it took some time but it was worth the wait. If I continue to trust God and believe in His will and do my best to serve Him I have faith that heaven will also be worth the wait.  Monday went great because we all were there for one another.  We all prayed together, shared with each other and spent time not being so busy trying to get everything done.   We rather enjoyed doing what we did and knew at the end of the day that nothing was more important than loving one another and being there for each other.  Tucking kids into bed the last words that are said are usually “I love you” why not say it with your actions.  Spend time with your children doing the simple things in life like reading (1 chapter not the entire book), baking cookies (1 batch not ten) and preparing for Christ’s coming.  It is what the kids will remember and their smiles are what you will cherish.  Trust me.

May you spend time this season of Advent preparing your heart to receive the greatest gift you will ever receive – Christ’s love for you.

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E. and always Catie

PS  Please pray for Barbara B. and Barbara K., Cole, Dad, Dax and his family, Jack, James, Joshua and Little George.

PPS – If you have not been on the website in a while, please log on to www.catiesstory.com and see the new photos we have added recently.