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Each and Every Day

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Good evening Catie followers,

 

Each and every day is filled with newness and adventure and the joy of sharing the day with those we love; doing all or some of what we enjoy doing together.  This past weekend we hosted BigBig Design as Cindy and Anthony came for a visit to discuss the Catie’s Wish Foundation website that they are designing.  (IF ANYONE FOLLOWING CATIE’S STORY WOULD LIKE TO BE BROUGHT UP TO SPEED ON CATIE’S WISH FOUNDATION BEFORE THE UNVIELING OF THE NEW WEBSITE, SIMPLY CONTACT US AND WE WOULD BE HAPPY TO SHARE ALL THE LATEST.  WE EVEN HAVE A FEW GIFT IDEAS FOR THE HOLIDAYS – ALL CATIE’S WISH ITEMS ARE GIFTS THAT GIVE TWICE – AS WE FINANCIALLY SUPPORT PEDIATRIC CANCER RESEARCH.  THINK ABOUT IT!)  We also had a preview event for the Give Thanks. Walk this coming Saturday.  (THERE IS STILL TIME TO REGISTER - EVEN ON SATURDAY MORNING.)  The O’Brien’s were on hand to welcome Santa and light the sand sculpture.  Each time we hear the story of Catie told by someone who didn’t know Catie we are amazed to see their eyes filling with tears.  One woman came up to us and just hugged us.  Isn’t that what we are all to do for each other?  Be there and allow the lives of others to touch us?

Each and every day is also filled with longing and sadness – not for Catie but for ourselves as we miss having Catie in our lives, listening to her sing, seeing her smile, feeling her rub noses with you as you kiss her, witnessing the wonder that filled Catie’s day – as we long to love Catie for just one more minute.  Loving Catie means knowing that life of earth after her diagnosis meant a life of tremendous pain and change.  Catie never complained, never hosted a pity party or asked why this happened to her.  She did ask Kevin why her tumor came back.  Asking and hearing the question brought them both to tears and me too, as I recall walking into the room during their discussion.  That moment was Catie’s agony in the garden.  From that moment on Catie’s focus was on others – making Christmas special for all who knew her.

Each and every day we try to live by Catie’s example.  After the first four kids get on the bus prayers begin for the other kids we know.  Prayers for Dax and his parents; this little boy is so young – two years old and too young to say good-bye to and yet more importantly too young for his parents to be there for him while witnessing his suffering.  They are also witnessing tremendous love and generosity as their town has already decorated for Christmas as a sign to Dax that they are praying for them.  Then there are the three J’s.  (The three J’s is what we affectionately call these three little boys as we pray for these children in alphabetically order in hopes that we would not forget anyone – but confident that God and Catie know exactly for whom our prayers are intended.)  We have been praying for Jack, Jonah and James for months.  Two have relapsed.  This close to the holidays we are filled with prayer for their families and for their doctors and nurses.  One of the J’s has growth on his latest MRI.  We remember this time last year.  We were split in two to begin with having half the family at home and the other half in Memphis – now with Christmas and the desire to gratefully acknowledge all those helping us, all those new to our family, and all those we missed we felt split in four.  Funny how none of it mattered once we heard the words “the tumor has returned and medically there is nothing that can be done to save Catie.  We can possibly prolong her life though the tumor will continue to grow.”

Each and every day we pray that we remember for the entire day how precious and special life and love are.  They are more than special; they are blessings and miracles themselves – given to us by God.  We all need to focus, following Catie’s example, not on our own needs but on the needs of others.  Today, many need prayers, love and sacrifices done on our part, for we, many of us, are the able bodies that can help to make a difference in the lives of others in need.  Why would we do this when many believe that we have been through so much?  That is what we are all asked to do by God for one another; it is written in the Greatest Commandment.  You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind and your neighbor as yourself.”  (Luke 10: 27)  This greatest commandment transcends religious belief and in other circles it is referred to as The Golden Rule.  An enormous mosaic of The Golden Rule hangs in the United Nations Headquarters where it takes up the entire wall, floor to ceiling.  In 1996 this mosaic was made into a postage stamp as the UN is its own country.  We began our marriage sending our invitations from the UN as this stamp held more meaning then a lovebird or heart, which were the US postage choices.  Did we know then that this was foreshadowing for a future non-profit?  No, we were simply in love and desired to start a life together taking vows to love one another in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until death do us part.  We of course prayed for the healthy rich good times and in the course of our thirteen year marriage this is how we have been blessed.  Losing Catie makes every moment a challenge for all of us but it has also helped us to appreciate how very much we mean to one another.  Catie brought so much love into each of our lives and in a way we owe it to each other to do all we can each day to make up for the gap in love that has been left by Catie’s absence.

Each and every day may you recognize all of your blessings and give thanks to God for them.  May you also take the time to pray or make some type of sacrifice for so many who are doing without so much this year.   May God continue to bless you and your family.

Peace be with you,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E. and always Catie

 

A Year and a Day

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Good evening Catie journeyers,

 

 

Please accept my heartfelt appreciation for your on-going decision to journey with us as we face each new day believing and trusting in God’s very real presence in our lives.  I pray that you feel His love as tangibly as I do and that it transcends whatever struggles and crosses currently exist in your day.  Before I began to write to you today, I took the time to go back to Catie’s journal to see what we were doing last year on this day.  Catie had just finished Round 2 of Chemo and we were reflecting on the 5 months that had passed at that point and the toll it had taken on our beautiful daughter.  Catie struggled through the taping of the “Ready, Set, Go” and thank you for the Catie Run as she struggled with many things last November.  Catie was still 2 weeks from learning that the tumor was back and could not be stopped, but in retrospect, the signs were already becoming evident.  How blessed we were that in the short time between suspending treatment and the tumor taking her from us that the real Catie came back to us.  As much as I wish for one more late night pumpkin pie feast filled with giggles and joy and carefree timeliness, I wish that each of you could have had just one of those moments with our sweet little girl.  If you were blessed to have that moment, it would provide the beautiful mixture of tears and joy that the memory provides me.

 

We have had a very peaceful week and once again, prayer has been the difference.  Christine related that she had been led to a prayer card that talked about Mary’s sorrows and the devotion to pray while meditating on those sorrows.  Sometimes reflecting on another person’s suffering and crosses gives us the perspective we need to deal with our own.  Whatever your personal belief about Mary, there is no doubt that as she witnessed her Son’s life and death that it carried tremendous maternal pride as well as unbelievable grief.  Mary’s seven sorrows, the presentation in the temple, the flight to Egypt in the face of Herod’s order of death, the finding of Jesus in the temple, the meeting on the road to Calvary, standing at the foot of the cross, holding Jesus in her arms after He has died, and the placing of Jesus’ body in the tomb are each moments that bring a wellspring of emotion and courage.  Mary’s example is always consistent, continue to say yes to God, and continue to turn to Him in prayer.  This week, as a family and as individuals, we did just that and the peace that accompanied that choice was and is amazing.  Thank you Christine for finding the prayer card and leading us to pray and meditate.

 

Tomorrow morning I leave for 3 days on the West Coast and as much as I am grateful that such a trip means that I have a job when many do not, I am sad to be leaving.  Even after all of these months of being back together, any separation from Christine and the fab 5 is difficult and summons hidden emotions and pain.  I am still not over our separation of last year and though I would make the exact same choices again, I miss my bride and I long to be the man and husband God created me to be everyday. 

 

On to the update on the CWF (Catie’s Wish Foundation).  We are moving forward, sometimes at lightspeed and other times glacially, but always forward.  This week provided many tangible advances.  The website designer has been selected for the foundation and we are thrilled to be working with BigBig Design.  Please keep us in your prayers this weekend as we meet with the designers and attempt to take all of the thoughts, prayers and ideas from Catie and Christine’s minds and do them all justice in cyberspace.  Christine has done an amazing job of laying the groundwork for the Catie’s Wish Ambassadors and has sent out 50 packets of material to help spread the word about Catie and her Wish.  I am sure that there is a beautiful saint named Catie smiling down on her mom with a huge feeling of pride.  We have a big event coming up on Saturday the 21st as St. Jude and the CWF co-host the Give Thanks Walk in the Harrisburg Mall.  Please pray that we have a huge turnout.  This Saturday, the fab 5 will be leading Santa Claus into the mall as a prelude to the walk the following weekend.   

 

That is all the news that’s fit to print at this point.  Please know that you ALL continue to be in our daily prayers.  May God continue to bless you and the work of your hands,

 

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E., and always Catie.

 

PS – please join your prayers with ours as we ask for God’s Divine healing upon Alex, the Ives family (Sydney joined Catie in heaven on Saturday night), Lara, Lyric, young Jack, Mariam, the McCarthy family, Nancy, Pat, Robert, Thomas, William, and for all of the 46 children who are diagnosed with cancer each day and the 7 that die despite the best efforts of medical professionals.

 

Thursdays

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Good evening Catie followers,

 

We all know the feeling of there is so much to be done.  We all have struggled with where do we begin.  Today has been a day like that.  There are things to clean, e-mails to send, memos to edit, lists of errands to write, thank you letters to send, orders to place and on and on.  Instead, with all that is facing me nothing seems more important than sitting and praying at this moment.  Why?

At this very moment there is a mother that I have never met holding the hand of her daughter for possibly the last time on this earth.  Each moment for the past several days I have been praying for her family.  They are a family that I have never met though I do remember passing them in the hall at Target House with an exchanged “hello” between us.

How can I do all or any of the “things” that need to be done – busying myself in work and take my focus off the prayers that are needed for this child, this daughter of God, this family, this mother and father and little brother?  Why is this awareness so strong today?  Yesterday another child right here in this community died of cancer and there was no change in me yesterday – I was not even aware until after Mass this morning.  So why is today different?

The reason is Catie.  Catie showed me the way – she tried to show all of us.  The last days of Catie’s life were not about seeing and enjoying the company of all those Catie loved.  The last days of Catie’s life were spent in almost constant prayer.  Those last days Catie was not preparing herself for eternal life, she was preparing all of us for how to live without her once she was gone.  During those last few days she didn’t want to read the books that she made me promise we would finish, she didn’t want to paint, she didn’t want to do puzzles or even play Crazy Eights – all Catie wanted to do was pray and to have anyone who visited her join her in prayer.

As I think back over the last week of Catie’s life there was one day, Thursday, that Catie was downstairs.  There Catie sat in the favorite big comfortable chair.  She didn’t want to talk, listen to music and there is no TV in that room.  All Catie wanted to do was sit and be surrounded not by everyone giving her attention but rather with everyone going about their day doing their things.  I was busy putting things away from Christmas and trying to organize this or that.  Megan and M.E. were in the basement doing this or that.  The house was filled with the sounds of us – the sounds that make 5016 Firethorn Lane home to the O’Brien’s.  Each time I would pass Catie sitting there I would ask her if she wanted me to join her – “Cate, you know that nothing I am doing is more important than you.  I can stop and sit by you if you want.”  “I am good Mom.  I am just happy to be sitting here listening to everything,” was Catie’s reply.  Each time M.E. passed her she would climb up and kiss Catie and then climb down.  Catie never requested that M.E. stay and M.E. was just busy and happy being two.  Each time I passed Catie I wanted to sit down and just be with her but I knew that she was happy being on her own.  Sitting there alone was a freedom that Catie did not have at St. Jude – I was always with her.

I remember telling Kevin, when he came back that afternoon that Catie had been up and out of bed all day.  And that she was requesting more cheesecake.  I thought that she was getting better because she had more energy then she had had in days.  The next day when she woke up it was almost eleven and by three she was asleep and never woke up again. 

Why didn’t I know that Thursday was Catie’s last day?  I wasn’t meant to know.  That last day was for Catie.  I now think about it as a gift that God gave Catie.  She had a day to listen to the sounds and the voices of the people she loved.  She was able to be in the house – to be home where she had missed being so much during her treatment and being there hearing those she loved so much simply going through their day.  Just before this last Thursday and again later that Thursday night all the time was spent praying with Catie as she prepared us to pray with her when she was in heaven.  There were times when she would not even look up when you would walk back into the room – I knew she knew who was there but Catie just kept on praying.  There were other times when she wanted the Bible read to her – just keep reading.  Nothing was more important to her than prayer.

All those prayers brought us to where we are today.  There are so many moments of the past 9 months that are a complete blur – thanks to the grace of God and all your prayers for our family we are hanging in there.  Last night we met with someone who said statistically we should be both bankrupt and divorced.  Thanks be to God we are neither.  Thank you Catie for showing us the way to find peace in the situations we are faced with in this life.  Catie, sweet girl, I know that you never wanted to have surgery or cancer or radiation or chemo, you never wanted to go bald – though you never missed my brushing your hair, you never wanted to leave Dad and the kids, you never wanted to miss school and brownies, you never wanted to be in a wheelchair – well maybe for just one day it was fun, you never wanted to go blind and you never wanted to die before you turned 8 but that was God’s plan for you and you accepted His will for you.  Every day I pray to understand God’s will for me and that I will accept His will with half of your grace and strength.

Before I begin doing any of what I think should be done or needs to be done, I need to follow that example that Catie gave me and pray first.  Then I need to continue my prayers by offering all of my actions and the work that “should be done” as prayers of sacrifice for Sydney and her family as they may be experiencing their own last days together.  Through the grace of God everything we do can be turned into prayer if we simply invite God to be a part of all of our days.  Through God's grace Catie is still with us just like she was that Thursday.  She is still witnessing all that we are going through - our struggles and triumphs!  She is still cheering us on and encouraging us to pray to God; as she knows first hand the benefits and graces that flow to each of us every day from God, Our Father.

God gave us this life and all of its crosses just like He gave His very own Son.  God was with Him and is with us each day whether we recognize Him in our day or not.  There are towns in this country praying and pulling for these children.  Towns adorned in teal ribbons and already decorated for Christmas.  These towns exemplify faith in God and prayer taking on an active nature.

Please join me as we pray especially for those families now experiencing the final days with their children – for Dax, James and Sydney.  Please remember to thank God for all the days you have with your children and those you love.

 May God bless you and the work of your hands,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E., and always Catie.

 

Fragile

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Good evening Catie journeyers,

This evening time was dedicated to looking for a photo of Catie on her seventh birthday.  Every family takes photographs.  Every family develops photos at different times.  Every family organizes photos in different ways - albums, shoeboxes, frames or a combination of any of these.  Today with digital photography many photos are never printed but rather remain on the computer.  Hopefully there is a backup as computers crash - for some more easily and more readily than for others.

Catie's seventh birthday took place just one month prior to her showing her first symptoms of cancer.  April 23rd of 2008 was such a joyful day.  It was a Wednesday.  Birthdays are not the biggest deal in our family -just a day with a few gifts, a cake and dinner in the dining room.  Pictures aren't always taken.  This day they were and now we wanted to find them.

Where to look?  How long would it take to find them?  Who would look?  What would we do if they were not found?  Why is it that everything that has to do with Catie is so important?  When will this change?  How can this ever change?

We have such simple expectations - looking for a picture.  Attached to this simple expectation are entire series of unrealistic expectations and the what ifs.  In our world the what ifs can cause as much damage as Catie's cancer did to our family.  As we long to hold onto every precious memory of Catie, as we long hold our family, our marriage and ourselves together, as we long to honor her memory and Catie's fight with cancer through the success of the Catie's Wish Foundation we often find ourselves incapable and too fragile to do much of anything.

Our family is filled with love.  We love God and believe in His love for us.  We love each other and we love all of you who have stood by us, not just through this trial but through others as well.  Somehow with all that we have gone through many moments exist when none of us living in this house feels very loved.  The overwhelming feeling that each of us has is fragile.  While the kids will not assign that name to how they are feeling the whining and sadness whispers "fragile" when they are corrected for almost anything -even leaving the door open.

Feeling fragile must be a part of all that we have gone through.  One day you are living your life each day loving your spouse and your children and the next day you are struggling to understand pain and suffering of your child.  You grow to accept the new truth that your child has cancer and you go on to what can be done.  You answer this question and you find your family separated.  You visit and make the best of it.  You find out that the cancer has returned and that there is nothing to do.  You clear everything off your schedule and you focus on your child and God.  Your child dies despite your faithfulness and all of your efforts.  You say good-bye and do what needs to be done.  You pick up the pieces and take care of those who may be hurting worse than you.

After nine months you realize that there are still those that are hurting and those that have moved on and you are some days hurting and other days moving on and yet you are still fragile.  No one gives you a timeframe on grieving.  It is not like pregnancy.  There is no due date.  It is not like college.  You can't drop out, take a semester off or even stay for a fifth year.  Grieving is different for everyone, but so is happiness.  So what do you do?

Go back to what you know works.  Faith and prayer works.  Happiness will come and go and so will my level of grief for Catie's death.  Through my faith and prayers God will direct me out of this to where I can see not why this happened but rather how we will get through this.  Lately the words of "Make me a Channel of Your Peace" from the prayer of  St. Francis have been providing me with great comfort.

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your
love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in
you.

Chorus:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring
hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Chorus:

Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal
life.

When Kevin last wrote he spoke of comparison and the grass is greener.  In a way that is what this song is all about.  Out of this fragile state, that I find myself in and my loved ones in, I am given the opportunities to console rather than be consoled.  God is there in all of our lives waiting at every moment to be there for us; waiting for us to invite Him into our lives through prayer.  Jesus showed us the way.  Jesus was and is the mightiest of Kings and yet He came to us as a fragile baby.  During His unjust trial and conviction He offered no defense.  He stood there silent and fragile ready to take up His cross for my sins.  I may feel fragile but I am not hanging on a cross.  Through Jesus' willingness to be fragile He gave me the answer to my own fragile state - God.

God's love was made visible to me through the actions of Allen Sanford who made so many personal sacrifices so that he could run in the Marine Corp Marathon in Catie's honor this past Sunday.  God's love was made visible through the co-workers of Mike Pascarella who raised money for charity and elected St. Jude as their charity.  God's love was made visible two weeks ago when the St. Joseph's Chargers Football players and cheerleaders presented Catie's Wish with a check for more than $2500.  God's love was made visible by the father who handed Kevin a check for $120.  The money was raised by the children gathering, sorting and selling the toys that were theirs for Catie's Wish.  God's love was made visible when we gathered to celebrate a dear friend's 40th birthday - as birthdays are special days.  God's love was also made visible when Catie's seventh birthday picture was found by Kevin - safely stored on his computer.

God's love is visible every day at every moment if you look at the day with eyes of faith and hope.  Maybe today is your day to make God's love visible for someone else.

May God bless you and the work of your hands,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Mia, Molly, M.E. and always Catie

PS – Please join us in prayer for Dax, Trevor, Sydney, Spencer, Jessica, Kayli, George and all those who have asked for our prayers and Catie’s intercession.

 


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