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What a difference a year makes

Tuesday, 16 June 2009 21:14 Christine
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How much difference does a year make in a life?  Does it depend on your age?  Does is depend on your perspective?  Does it depend on you?  Last year at this very moment I remember calling my mother and trying very hard to tell her to listen.  “Mom, I need you to get in the car and drive to my house to stay with my kids.  KC (my youngest sister) is on her way to relieve Lauri (our next door neighbor) who had just relieved Trish (a friend) who offered to watch the kids until she had to go to work at 6:30.  Kevin and I are at the hospital with Catie.  They have found lesion within her spinal column.  Later tonight they will run a sedated MRI on the rest of her spinal column to get a better look at what we are dealing with.  That is all that I know.  Mom, can you leave now?  Mom, do you know how to get to my house? (We had just moved to this house and town 9 months ago.)  Thank you, Mom.  I will call you when we know more.”

Last year it was June 17th a Tuesday.  Max was away at his first overnight Boy Scout camp.  The girls were all taking swimming lessons every morning, except M.E. she was not even two yet.  Mia and Catie were doing Brownie camp each evening between 6-8pm.  Kevin was joining us for dinner and then joining Max for the night.  We were all enjoying the beginning of summer with the promise of many fun things to do. 

We had one concern and that was Catie pain and her sleepless nights.  We knew we had to get to the bottom of that and that the next step involved a sedated MRI.  Hershey Medical Center could not get one scheduled for a few weeks.  Our doctor had talked to them and they were trying to squeeze in Catie on Tuesday.  Somehow God had worked it out that Kevin and I both were able to take Catie alone.  We were together when we first heard the words lesion, emergency admission and neurosurgeon.  Do these words even register with a parent?

All night while we waited and wondered what would be next I was amazed at how very happy I was to watch Catie sleep.  I know that Catie was sedated for the MRI but she was also very still and peacefully sleeping.  This was a blessed sight to me as Catie had not slept through the night in over 3 weeks.  Some nights she would sleep for a few hours in the chair downstairs but she would always awake moaning in pain.  No pain medicine that we gave her or that the doctor ordered the pharmacy to create in kid’s strength worked.  I am sure in Kevin’s mind this made the words lesion, emergency admission and neurosurgeon much more serious than they sounded to me.

Even in what could have been one of the darkest moments of our lives, individually and as a married couple, knowing that Catie was sleeping, lying down and looking peaceful gave us peace.  “And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age.”  (Matt 28:20) God was with us then and has remained with us throughout this entire year.

Many people have asked if we have received any signs from Catie.  I am not sure what I would call a sign.  When Catie first died I just wanted her to sit up and tell me she had a crazy dream.  Now I am at peace for her as she is in heaven.  I am trying, and most days succeeding, life without Catie humanly present to us.  At the table Mia thanks Maggie for sitting in Catie’s seat.  At nighttime Molly encourages M.E. to sleep in her room so that Catie’s bed will no longer be empty.  Today was a bit different.  We went to daily Mass after swimming lessons.  I needed a tissue and Maggie and Max began searching the car high and low looking for a tissue.  Maggie did not find any tissues but rather the very special rosaries that had been lent to me when I first went to St. Jude with Catie.  These rosary beads and the case that contained them were held and prayed by me every day during radiation and chemo.  I held them and was comforted doing so.  While we were in Lourdes Catie bought me a set with their special case.  I knew I would pray Catie’s rosary once I returned the rosaries to Vivian Jordan.  Then right after Catie’s death I could not find them.  I looked everywhere for them.  I stopped throwing things out for fear that I had tossed them.  Is it a coincidence that I found them today?  The answer may depend on you and your level of faith.  To me it is a signal grace again reminding me that God is always with me and will remain with me until the end of time.

May God continue to bless you and the work of your hands,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Catie, Mia, Molly, and M.E.

 

Veils

Monday, 15 June 2009 13:18 Kevin
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Fellow journeyers,

 

 

It is shocking to me how quickly the veil of sadness and loss can cover me and how completely it can cloud and obscure all that is good and wonderful in my life.  I have yet to figure out if it falls because I stop actively holding it back, or if like many other aspects of life, it is beyond my control.  If I focus on Catie, am I allowing her death to consume me to the exclusion of Christine and the kids?  But if I focus on them and on the here and now, what do I do with the guilt that I feel when a day has passed and I have not thought about that beautiful sweet girl who used to light up my world and who is now gone.

 

Thursday, I moved my office.  It is no big deal, maybe 20 feet.  Others are moving across town as I did months ago.  Change is part of life and usually not an issue for me.  This move is not about change however.  With each picture of Catie that I take down, I look at her growth through her 7+ years and then I look at the progression of her disease and treatment through last year and her ever present smile and I realize anew that I will never again hold a camera and capture a moment of her life.  And so the veil drops again.

 

My wife is under the belief that I am fairly intelligent.  Many who know me might doubt that as I am sure they could cite chapter and verse some of the really stupid things I have done over the years.  Marrying Christine was the best example of a brilliant decision, but that one was made by my heart, not my mind.  With my mind though I can block out the thoughts and reminders of Catie and smile happily through my day.  That is both a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because it allows me to function effectively and to hold the veil of grief far away.  A curse because when the veil falls I have very little left to try to pull it back again.

 

So where intellect fails, faith triumphs.  There was a woman on the road to Calvary named Veronica, and she had a veil as well.  Perhaps it was a veil of silk, but because she was there on that road weeping for Jesus, it was a veil of sadness as well.  Faith urged her to offer her veil to Jesus, to put aside her own sadness and focus on someone else, and in that choice she released the miraculous love of Jesus.  In choosing to offer rather than dwell on her veil of sadness, she allowed Jesus to leave an imprint upon her that transformed her sadness forever.  In many ways, Catie was very much like Veronica.  She willingly offered her suffering and sadness and put it aside and flashed her smile.  I could learn from both of these wonderful women.  Having a veil is not a bad thing, what you do with it makes all the difference.

 

So today, I accept and offer my veil.  I acknowledge that today will not be the last time that sadness over Catie’s absence will cover me.  But I ask God to help me to accept that sadness whenever it comes and to turn it around and offer it back to Him.  Offer it as a small sacrifice to be joined with the greater sacrifice of Catie and Verionica, and with the ultimate sacrifice by Jesus Himself.  Offer it as a prayer so that I can be a better husband and father, a better co-worker, friend, son, and brother. 

 

 

May God bless you and the work of your hands,

 

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Catie, Mia, Molly, and M.E.

 

PS – please continue to pray for the kids at St. Jude

 

Gardens, Fairies, and M.E.

Thursday, 11 June 2009 10:36 Christine
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Most mornings I spend time in the garden.  Gardening and my love for growing things is a gift of my childhood given to me by my mother.  She would advise, suggest or simply remind us that if you spend some time in the garden each day there would be less work than if you left the garden alone and visited it once a week to care for it.  Some of my brothers resisted and made “gardening” a dreaded chore.  I never really minded – my mother may have a different memory of my feelings for gardening – and now I find my time in the garden to be very therapeutic.  

We have planted a beautiful perennial bed around the house.  It is planted in a circle around the cul-de-sac where we live.  When it was originally planted we thought that more of the property was ours than actually is but that doesn’t bother me.  I see it all and seeing something beautiful and cared for and loved gives me pleasure.  First the crocuses bloomed tiny and purple whispering that spring was coming. Then the daffodils and forsythia opened and surrounded the cul-de-sac in yellow.  The irises were next. Many of these irises came from our previous house.  We dug them up before we moved and shared some and built the garden just for them.  The irises were beautiful.  The many varieties bloomed in every shade of purple for about six weeks.  Yesterday I cut away the last one.  Now the daylilies and tickseed are beginning to bloom and the garden is turning yellow again.  Soon the alliums and the coneflowers will open and the garden will once again be purple.

In between trimming away the dead blooms there is plenty of weeding to do.  I simply pull the weeds and fill our giant yellow bucket.  I never think about that fact that I am killing the weeds – for that is exactly what I want to do.  Weeds in my garden will take away from the beauty of the garden so they must go.  Right after Catie died even throwing away the dead flowers was difficult for me, now I do so without even thinking about it.  I am choosing.  I am playing God in my garden.  Some of the weeds that look pretty and have flowers are permitted to stay.  Every day I visit the garden admiring and planning (after this blooms I will move it over here where will look better or compliment what is there or have more room or …) and enjoying the beauty and the peace.  Is that what the garden of Eden was like for God?

What a mess we humans have made of God’s garden!  Or have we?  Today is a day with many prayer requests.  Mary Coffey is having heart surgery.  Her parents are praying and asking all to join them.  Little Mary has been in the hospital for months now and her family would love her to come home.  Please pray for Angelo and MaryRita Ambrosetti.  These dear sweet souls are parents of my dear friend who arranged the weekend in Annapolis.  Sunday night Mary Rita fell and broke her arm in two places.  In the grand view of life that may not seem like much but MaryRita is not a young woman.  So pray for her and her beloved Angelo.  Pray for Trevor and Elizabeth at St. Jude as they are both back in-patient.  Trevor was allowed to walk outside for 30 minutes; for the first time in many days he breathed fresh air – well he stood in the parking lot trying to hitch a ride to anywhere.  No takers as he was dragging his IV pole.  Can you even imagine?  When Catie was in-patient, never for longer than six days, I never left her and let me tell you it was so strange to step outside.  We take so much for granted.  Please also pray for Trevor’s mom, Pam.  Today is her birthday and her second one at St. Jude in-patient with her sweet son.  Happy Birthday Pam!  Please pray for the friends and families of the three teenagers involved in an accident over the weekend here.  Two of them died and we know the agony their families are facing. 

I see the difference and the similarities in our situations.  Focusing on the differences would offer no benefit to any of us.  Catie had a disease.  There was no accident, no blame, no guilt involved in Catie’s death.   Focusing on the pure fact that a child died brings people and their ability to comfort one another together.   In some ways, while still a tragedy, Catie’s disease was a blessing for it gave us the gift of time.  As I cried last night, Kevin asked me if I could have Catie back for five minutes what would I tell her.  I sat there.  I don’t need five minutes; I wanted a lifetime with Catie.  I was given seven years; her lifetime.  Now, I still tell her each and every day how very much I love her. How very proud I am of her and how much I miss her.  I know where she is.  M.E. announces that Catie is in heaven, every time she hears the word HEAVEN.  We have that comfort and we want to offer that comfort to others.  We knew that Catie knew so very well how much she was loved and is loved and we thank all of you for that.  We know that prayer was Catie’s comfort.  We also know how very much all of your prayers supported us and lifted us up and helped us to heal.  Are we done?  Are you tired of praying?

Many people wrote to us after the last update.  Thank you.  Several of you expressed helplessness after reading where we are.  One of Maggie’s last days on the bus this year she sat down next to the same little girl she has shared the bus with for most of the year.  This little girl was reading the yearbook and proudly shared it was Maggie.  When they reached one page the little girl stopped and covered a picture.  She looked at Maggie.  Maggie gently asked why she was covering that part of the page.  The little girl responded that there was a picture under her hand that she didn’t want Maggie to see because if Maggie became sad and cried after seeing the picture this little girl would not know what to do.  Such honesty!!  Such love and concern for Maggie and Maggie’s feelings!!  Little girl you are wonderful.  Thank you!!

I offer you this.

 “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all encouragement, who encourages us in our every affliction, so that we may be able to encourage those who are in any affliction with the encouragement with which we ourselves are encouraged by God.  For as Christ’s sufferings overflow to us, so through Christ does our encouragement also overflow.  If we are afflicted, it is for your encouragement and salvation; if we are encouraged, it is for your encouragement, which enables you to endure the same suffering that we suffer.  Our hope for you is firm, for we know that as you share your sufferings, you also share in the encouragement.” (2Corinthians 3-7)

How can I offer you encouragement?  I pray that over the past year we have not only shared our sufferings.  I pray that we have also offered prayers for hope.  Last year today, we met with the Pediatric Orthopedist who offered us little in the way of an answer for Catie.  This year we know that Catie is in heaven waiting to listen to our prayers and wanting to take those prayers to God our Father and ask on our behalf for His blessing.  What could be more hopeful!!  We know where she is and we know what she desired to do for us once she reached heaven.  If prayer isn’t the answer I would be lost.  I would be like my perennial garden left unloved.  The flowers would still bloom and fade but no one would cut away the dead ones to reveal the beauty of the new blooms.  The beauty of the flowers possibly would be lessened by the growing weeds.  When I left for Memphis to care for Catie wonderfully generous neighbors took over caring for the gardens.  They left their generous love in our garden for they added seashells and fairies.  This year before the plants grew back Mia gently washed and cared for all the seashells and fairies.  Then she placed each one back in the garden to give encouragement that something would be coming.

Today I can do nothing that will make a lasting impression on any of you.  My prayers for you can; and only God my Father knows how.  Please be generous with your love; shower it on those you love.  Please be generous with your prayers; pray for everyone who had an impact on you – good, bad or indifferent.  Through your prayers for others those that had a good impact could have a better impact of the next person they encounter.  Through prayer the person that had a bad impact can be changed or your attitude of this person can be changed and that is all good.  Prayer is so very powerful.  I prayed for the last year for Catie to live and be fully restored to health – now I do not need her back here for five minutes.  If she did come back I would hold her and listen to her and share her just like I did before.  Prayer changed my heart and prayers are freeing me from my sadness.

May God bless you and the work of your hands,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Catie, Mia, Molly, and M.E.

 

Molly versus M.E.

Monday, 08 June 2009 20:17 Christine
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Over the past week I have been searching.  Being an organized person searching is not something that I am particularly comfortable doing – it usually indicates that something is missing.  Searching for the missing fifth shirt made sense when we were packing this past weekend, searching for a particular piece when doing a puzzle – SUDOKU or Jigsaw puzzles are two of my favorites – but searching for something unknown with no timeframe is just frustrating.  I will give myself a preset amount of time to do my weekly Sudoku but when the time is up the puzzle finds itself in the recycling.

What exactly am I searching for now?  I am searching for meaning and understanding.  Maybe it is the same thing as asking God WHY?   I tend to think of searching as more valuable because I actually may find the answer even if by accident.  I guess I could also believe that God might actually answer my WHY question.  Somehow this searching seems more active and therefore comforting.

This past week was very challenging.  Kevin told me that the children had expressed concern to him over the upcoming summer vacation ‘09.  What would we do?  Last summer ’08 was billed as the summer that was going to be all fun.  It was to be the first summer of our marriage that we were not moving, pregnant or I was not nursing a newborn.  Everyone was walking and talking and boy were we going to have a great time.  “Kids start dreaming – what would you like to do this summer?”  Name it and we will do it was my motto.  Heck I was even looking at tents – I realize that might indicate camping to some, I was interested but unsure what else you would buy a tent for and yet not willing to commit.  We all were dreaming. 

Then Catie started talking about pain, stopped sleeping and well the rest is history.  Everywhere we go there is either a memory of Catie having been there or we are blazing new trails without her and that is also painful.  Either we are missing her and sad or we are moving on and leaving her – so to speak – and our current happiness is dampened a bit.  So what do we do this summer?  So many people ask – innocently as summer has just begun – “what are you doing this summer?”  I want to scream again – “Why, do you need me to move on for your comfort?” I catch myself.  Our summer only began on Friday, as school was let out one day early due to an extra unused snow day and people are simply asking out of curiosity.  They are not even realizing who or what the ramifications to such a simple question could be – neither do I until I hear the question.

So summer has begun.  Just like winter ended and no one asked if we were ready, so spring followed and now school is out and to the kids – it is summer.  How is it going?  Friday we all (the five kids and I) made it to Mass at noon and the post office.  We are setting little goals.  Today we all (the same five kids and I) made it to Mass at 9am – we were on time!  We had to come home for breakfast and then go out again but we made it.  Two days and two appointments each day we were on time for all.  Not bad.

When Kevin told me that the kids were concerned I started to fall apart.  Yes, it would be another change after Catie but I had begun to cherish the girl’s (M.E. and Molly) naptime and my two hours to myself to reflect and think after being there for everyone all morning.  Now with all five kids home how would I ever get that time?  How would I ever move forward with all that should be done?  Not to mention I have only recently begun to actually allow myself time to grieve for Catie.  My grieving only began after Catie’s birthday, what now?  I try so very hard not to be sad around the kids and Kevin up until this past week because I could see how well they were all coping and I didn’t want to drag them down.  I especially didn’t want to drag Kevin down.

Kevin is my love.  The hole in my heart for us being apart is still there.  It is like the hole that a child digs at the beach.  They try to dig it close enough to the water’s edge so that they with their bucket can fill it up and yet keep the hole far enough away from the water’s edge that the ocean doesn’t fill it for them.  Then they run back and forth filling and emptying their bucket and filling and watching their hole empty.  All the while trying to find the balance between getting tired and keeping their hole full of the ocean water.  That is what has been going on with Kevin and me.  One moment of joy and our hole is full like a shift in the tide when in fact the hole is gone completely.  However, there is also a moment of rest and the hole empties completely and all that is left is the hole and the emptiness or in our actual case the missing and sadness that comes from having one less child is all that remains.  

That is how I feel.  Is that how Kevin feels?  Everything around me reminds me of Catie and provides both comfort and longing.  What does coming home feel like to Kevin?  How do I share with him where I am and what kind of a risk am I taking?  Am I opening up a wound that is healed for him?  Last week after three awful nights I took this risk and found out what I have always known.  I married the right guy.

Have you ever known in your heart that you married the right person?  You knew it before they asked.  You knew it when they asked.  You knew it over the years.  Last week my risk took us to that place where I realized once again that this is the only man for me.  Kevin comes home not just to the memories of Catie but he comes home to us – those who love him.  Coming home is not the difficult part; leaving each morning is, at least for Kevin.  If I am sad about Catie I will always turn to Kevin and he will always be there for me.  I can’t say the same about Molly.

After that third rough night Molly greeted me the next morning.  Her eyes practically swollen shut from her allergies.  I told her that she looked very tired and that tonight she should go to sleep sooner than she did the night before.  Molly informed me that she could not get to sleep any earlier because “You two were fighting!”  I looked at her and told her that we were not fighting but rather crying.  Molly looked at me with a most puzzled expression and replied “why?”  I reminded her that our daughter had just died.  She looked at me with an “Oh that” expression.  Then she reminded me that I should not be sad because “Catie was in heaven.”  “But we still miss her,” I whisper.  “Don’t worry Mom at your age you will be there soon enough.”  You have to be awake to deal with Molly and her version of reality so early in the morning.

This is where I am.  I am sad and I miss Catie.  I love my other children.  I am emotionally raw and my reactions are raw as well.  When I am sad I cry; angry I yell; frustrated I kind of growl; happy I laugh until I cry and joyful I hug those that I am with at the moment.   I try to keep myself in check for the Fab 5 or the innocent random stranger and most times I do OK.  I am my toughest critic.  Last week this just was not working.  Two of my dear friends tried to help.  One friend hearing the sadness and emptiness in my voice arranged with the help of her husband for a lovely evening in Annapolis followed by a stay at a Historic Bed and Breakfast.  She even offered to watch the kids.  Another friend showed up with dinner one evening when all I had nothing left for anyone.  Kevin arrived home that night to find me asleep in my favorite chair at 5PM.

I had sat in the chair with the intention of reading to M.E., who earlier that day informed me that all I needed was to be in her arms.  When the older children asked what was for dinner I simply answered “food.  Eat what you want to eat – cereal works for me.  If my grandfather (GP) was here he would have ice cream.”  That night for dinner I had two cups of tea and one cup of coffee.  Who needs food when one is sad and sleep deprived? 

The next night we had company over for dinner and all enjoyed the lovely spread provided the night before.  We sat out on the deck and laughed and enjoyed each other until the fire died down – around 10pm.  As I crawled into bed that night I began to formulate an idea that solidified this weekend.  We will always miss Catie.  We may always allow ourselves to wonder what Catie would do or say, how she would have handled a situation, what she would have become and how she would have looked and made a difference in our lives and yet will any of us forget the difference that she has already made? 

How many positive things have been done because she walked into our lives and each of us allowed her to have an impact on our lives?  Kevin and I co-created Catie out of our love.  She is a part of us.  For Catie to leave us without leaving a hole in us would not be possible.  What Catie left behind however is a challenge to all of us to live and strive to do more in our own lives.   For me Catie has challenged me to do more in my marriage and for my family, for our church and our community; to make her proud and to make sure that I join her in heaven for eternity with Jesus Christ our Savior,  the Holy Spirit our strength, and God our Father.

Yesterday at Mass Father told people that his own understanding of the Trinity – three persons in one God was not simply what he believes.  It is something that he understands and knows as he has grown in his faith and trust in God.  And so ends my current search as I, too, do not simply believe that I can spend the rest of my life missing my sweet Catie.  I could, but what I would ultimately be missing would be more than just my beautiful daughter.  I would be missing the point of the resurrection in the second person of the Trinity.  I would be missing the knowledge and understanding that Catie is as forever with us as she is with God in heaven.  Trusting that fact and continuing to live out God’s will for my life will bring me exactly where I wish to be – with Catie again and the next time it will be in heaven.

Join me will you?  And for today join me in trying to live up to Catie’s challenges and examples of making your corner of the world a better place for those you love.

God Bless to all,

Christine, Kevin, Maggie, Max, Catie, Mia, Molly and M.E.

P.S. There are many people out there who have recently asked for our prayers.  We have heard all of you and we are praying. 

 


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